Sunday, June 19, 2011

I Think My Therapist Knows Something

No, really, I do.

I've been super-paranoid all day, since, as Daniel mentioned, Slender showed back up. And he's been specifically following me for some reason, even to my last-minute therapy session (we had to cancel the last one. Bad luck, shitty traffic, me deliberately stalling). Stood outside the window the whole time. You know whenever you know you shouldn't be looking at something, you keep looking at it? That's what it was like. I was trying so hard not to look out that damn window, but I kept doing it.

My therapist (she who shall not be named (can't spell her name anyway)) made some comment about there being anything interesting outside. I muttered something vague about it being a nice day out (even though it was a terrible day out).

Then she said this:

"I know he's very persistent, but we have to focus on you, Alora. He can wait until later."

My reaction:


"I said 'I know it's nice out, but you need to focus. We have to work together if you want to get better, okay?'"

My internal reaction: Uh, no, that is not what you said, liar.

My external reaction: Yeah, sure.

To make matters creepier, she asked about my "trigger moment", which I have long known is the Incident In the know, the one that also brought out Chimere (and for those of you who don't remember, it was this incident). I just told her what happened, without mentioning the bits about Chimere (because that's the last thing I need to bring up, my potentially-homicidal split personality), but she kept pressing the matter...

Therapist: And you really don't remember how you got home?

Me: No. I mean, I was four. I don't remember a lot of when I was four.

Therapist: I meant back when you were four. You said you didn't know how you got home.

Me: That's because I was scared, and I was four. When you're scared and you're four, you say things that don't make a lot of sense. That's why I thought lightning was the bogey man sneezing or whatever.

Therapist: But you don't think that's significant?

Me: What, that I don't remember? You're a psychoanalyst. I thought you knew all about repressed memories and shit like that.

Therapist: But what if it's not a repressed memory?

Me: *feeling more and more uncomfortable* What else could it be? I mean, come on. *before she could answer that question* And what does this have to do with my anxiety disorder, anyway? I thought we were focused on helping me with that.

Fortunately, that got us back to the topic of how the dark makes me feel and yadda yadda yadda this isn't helping me get over myself at all and dammit why'd my old therapist have to move I actually liked her and SHE knew what she was doing...but that's not the point. The point is...why would she say that when I was looking out the window? Why would she focus on the Chimere Incident so much? And this isn't the first time she's brought up that memory lapse either. Far as I can tell, it's not important towards fixing my problem behavior or helping with my anxiety. Why bring it up?

I could just be paranoid, but...I can't escape the feeling she knows more than she's letting on.

In other news:

Ryuu, Daniel took your advice. He's been writing things down all day. I told him he's not allowed to turn my room into a timeline or anything like that. That would make things TOO crazy.

And Scott is...



I don't...I don't even really want to think about that now.

He's going to be okay. He has to be okay.

He has to...

Stay safe.



  1. I wish I wasn't stuck in the position I'm in right now. I wish I could be right where Scott is. But we are where we are. Looks like I might end up failing on him twice.

    We just need to hope for the best.

  2. funny thing about psychoanalysts: their entire job consists of figuring out what you're hiding. usually it's something you're hiding from yourself, but not always.

  3. @ASage: I know, it's just...hard. I don't want to lose anyone else...

    @Ryuu: Yeah, I know, which just makes me hate this even more. I'm going to the wrong kind of therapy with a woman who knows way more than she should. Not a good scenario.

    There has to be some way to stop going...