Monday, April 11, 2011


Guess we won, huh?

Two things to address.

One, I know what Daniel did, and I'm not mad at him. was the right thing to do. I would be a mess right now if he hadn't done it. I do know the basics of what happened, but...I'm not sure I can handle details yet. Even with what little I do know, it's...hard to think about. Especially seeing how he's been handling it. I know later I'm going to have to know some of it, for his sake, because he needs to talk to SOMEone about it...but...I don't know. Not now.

I feel so selfish doing that, though.

Thanks for telling him that he did the right thing. I think it's helping, but he's still beating himself up about it. Also, Maze? Not cool. Just...not cool. You suck.

Two, I think I know who Chimere is and it freaks me the hell out.

See, when I was little, my mom used to tell me stories about a warrior princess named Chimere. You know, the sort of progressive fairy tale where the princess saves her damn self and all that? I dunno, I think she wanted me to realize that sometimes you've got to figure shit out yourself. Anyway, when I was a kid, whenever I would get freaked out about something (which happened a lot--I'm still socially awkward sometimes, but trust me, back then, I was a DISASTER around other people) I would just pretend I was Chimere. It was weird, but it helped me cope, and I was a kid. I stopped doing it after I was like...ten? Twelve? The point is, I haven't done it in years.

What scares me is that...

I really don't like talking about it, but...the time I developed nictophobia...

I was four. I was at my aunt's house. We were playing hide and seek. It was the evening. I, master of all things stupid, thought it would be a great idea to go hide in the woods.

I got lost.

I was out there all damn night, four years old, utterly terrified. Not to mention the fact that there are a LOT of critters out where my aunt lives (you know, raccoons and squirrels and shit), and when you're four and year some noctornal animal scurrying around, it might as well be the freaking devil trying to reap your soul. That's how bad it was.

I still get nightmares about it sometimes.

The last thing I remember was hiding in this little patch of bushes and crying.

Then I "woke up" back home. My family was there and everyone was freaking out. Apparently I'd just walked back to the house by myself, but to this day I don't remember ever leaving those bushes. I just was there, then I was home.

And...that's kind of what happened yesterday. I remember...vague stuff, I remember it was bad and I was terrified (all blurred, thanks to D) and next thing I know, I'm waking up this morning and everything looks...normal-ish. I say "normal-ish" because I haven't quite cleaned up all the bloodstains, I no longer have a mirror, and I'm down two shirts (I didn't like either of them anyway).

From what little internet research I've been able to do, this lapse in memory is sort of consistent with an alternate personality. Basically, my theory is that Chimere is this...alter-ego I made for myself that evolved into a split personality who takes over when things get too much for me (oddly enough, I am...strangely proud that this has only happened twice in my life. I guess I'm more resilient than I thought). The fact that I used to pretend I was her is probably part of the reason she considers herself "Me-But-Not", because...well, that's what she is.

I'm grateful she popped up when she did, but...I'm not sure I like her so much.

I mean, for Heaven's sake, she stabbed MC! Stabbed him. Repeatedly. I might rant about how I'm going to kill the guy, and I might hurt someone in self-defense, but...not like that. Never like that. One of my towels is ruined because of all the blood. I wouldn't just...I wouldn't do that. No. Never.

But she did, and the fact that a person capable of that is lurking in my brain really freaks me the hell out.

I don't want to be her again. I just...want to stay me. I want control of my own brain and my own actions.

Daniel doesn't like her too much either. He says she's kinda scary. Great. I have a psycho in my head.

I haven't read any of the old blog posts (not sure I want to yet), but if she posted anything, did she seem crazy to you guys? At all? Just wondering...

I talked to Vivi.

I'm...not sure why I did that.'s good to see they're still safe.

Stay safe, you guys.



  1. Altter egos are fun sometimes. Theyc can be the ones you blame when youre hand gets caught int he cooki jar.

  2. The ones YOU know might be. Mine could potentially be homicidal. Not fun at all. >.<


  3. I wouldn't say crazy, but she does seem to have no qualms with repeatedly stabbing someone, I'll give her that.

    But still...she seems to have the best interests for you two. Plus she seems intelligent enough. So far, I'd say not to worry. Jung himself believed that speaking with one's alter ego was beneficial to the mind, after all.

  4. Kid, the minute someone says "Alternate Personality", I get nervous. I've known a few people with that problem. Some are fully functional and damn fun to have around. Others are just plain nuts and murderous. Some are both.

    I suggest having long talks with Chimere. If you don't think you can address her in your own head, write things down in a notebook and "swap places" with her so she can write down in the next section, and so on and so forth until you've got a decent dialogue going.

    One way or the other, you need to figure out what this means.

  5. @Rebecca: Well, even that makes me nervous. There's defense, and then there's...whatever the hell it is she did. I haven't seen MC all freaking day and that really bothers me.

    @AmalgamationSage: I'd try talking to her, but I don't think I can pull her out. From what Daniel told me, she only comes out when I'm in trouble, and is perfectly content to just hibernate in the back of my mind until something horrific starts happening. Which is kinda comforting on the one hand, but she's still in there, and that really bothers me.

    Well...I could, he won't go for it. Wouldn't be fair to ask. :/ Whatever, I'll think of something eventually.

  6. I cannot wait until this alternate personality snaps and begins slaughtering anyone it perceives as a threat! This is going to be so funny.

  7. You've just gotta keep winning. Eventually you'll be bi-winning, and that's something to strive for.

    Also, Morningstar, I don't care if you're twenty billion or so times larger than me (I may be exaggerating a bit), I'll bash your brains in.

  8. What Rebecca said, Alora. Her morals seemed a little on the Blue and Orange side, but she definitely has your best interests at heart, both you and Daniel. And considering she only comes out as a defense mechanism, I wouldn't be too worried.

    Another thing I wouldn't be too worried about: the stuff Morningstar just said. If she's only ever come out twice in your life, and both times were some of the most horrific experiences in your life... I maintain optimism for you guys.

  9. @Morningstar: And with my last conscious thought I'd tell her to go after you first, so shut the f*ck up.

    @Arnold: Lulz. ^^ I wonder what would happen if Slender went up against Charlie Sheen...

    @Hakurei: That's what I'm trying to tell still freaks me out, though. :/