Friday, April 15, 2011

alora, please don't read this

i'm sorry

i have to...

if i don't tell someone about this, i'll lose it and i can't lose it right now.

he isn't faceless, you know.

when i woke up in the woods and he stalked me, one point, i tried to hide in some bushes and he found me. grabbed me by the neck.

showed me his face.


it only looks like has no face because the skin isn't...there aren't any breaks, no eyelids or anything, if he wants to open his eyes he has to tear the skin and...i don't...

he has to tear the skin, and it bleeds, and his eyes are so black...

and his mouth has to tear open too, and the sound if you've ever heard flesh tearing you know what it sounds like and i can't get it out of my head...and...his teeth...the mouth, it's not the right size, and the teeth...

and when i looked into his eyes, it was like i was standing on the edge of nothing. that's what was in those eyes, nothing. just black emptiness, going on forever.

i don't see how he could trick people into finding him comforting because he's not, he's not comforting, he's a monster, he's an abyss, he is the nothingness in those eyes. ancient, dark, hateful, terror.

every time i close my eyes i see that face and he won't go away.

and when he took us both...

alora, poor alora, he went after her the worst.

he must have known...

and then...

the things i did in there, the things i had to do...

there were...there were these proxies, and...

i killed them.

i killed all of them, every last one.

i told alora to cover her ears and sing to drown it out, and i...i just killed them.

they...they were people, they had families, one was a girl about alora's age...maybe younger, but i killed her too. and the way she looked at me when i did it...

chimere is right.

he rapes the mind.

pain, that's all i felt, he took all my memories and twisted them and perverted them, and the pain, the pain, but it was worse when he started on her. so much worse because i couldn't do anything. i couldn't move, i could barely breathe, the last thing i heard before i passed out was her screams.

i wanted to help her...

dammit, i'm supposed to keep her safe...

i kept her safe by violating her too.

she might forgive me, but i...i don't think i can forgive myself.

i know she said it was the right thing to, and so did all of you, but you haven't been through what i've been through, you don't know what it's like waking up to know that someone has screwed with your mind. dammit, i still don't have all my memories back. i may know who i am, and i may remember bits and peices about my past, but there are gaps. the gaps are huge. i gave her gaps. i did that to her.

redlight is right. i am a monster.


  1. Oh Daniel...

    There's... There's nothing to be said about the killing. Sooner or later, we're all faced with a choice, and you made the only one you could have made. That doesn't make you a monster, it makes you strong. Stronger than most, Daniel. Definitely stronger than me.

    You should know by now that every word Redlight speaks is a lie in some way or another. Maybe it's misdirection, maybe it's taunting, maybe it's simply not telling the whole story, but it's NEVER the truth. Remember that.

    I am truly sorry about your memory. Sometimes it seems like the worst thing about memory loss is not knowing, but please believe me when I say that Alora considers not knowing to be a blessing.

    She knows you, and you know yourself. You know that everything you do is done with the best of intentions, and, in my opinion, that's all you really need.

    You feel guilt for the things you've done. That's proof positive that you are not a monster. I know I've told you this before, Daniel. It's still true.

  2. Jesus Christ... Daniel...

    You're not a monster. You're not.

    There are monstrous things that are done in this world, and there are monsters in this world, and the choices waver between black and grey, but you are not a monster. You have done what you can to keep Alora alive. Nobody blames you, nobody hates you, and nobody thinks you're evil.

    Fuck redlight, he's just trying to make you feel worse, ignore him.

  3. Yes, he rapes the mind, and makes you a monster. And hopeless. But that's wrong.

  4. Look upon me, and see a monster; look upon yourself, and see a valiant hero.