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Saturday, January 1, 2011

A New Year

It's a new year. Eleven days since solstice.

I know I shouldn't be afraid, but I am. My mind keeps whispering that the results were inconclusive, that you have no idea whether or not he's alive or dead, and even if he was dead, there's so much more out there, so much worse...

It's not just the dark I'm afraid of, though. I'm afraid I might loose my mind.

Confession time: this isn't the first time I've felt like this. It started back in November, when I first found out about this whole myth. I'm not going to say exactly what the myth is--I can't escape the feeling that if I even think his name, he'll find me--but if you read my first post, then you'll know what myth I'm talking about. I would be walking back from the library, from classes, whatever, and I'd sense...something. Watching me. Following me. I always shrugged it off. I've always been a bit paranoid, especially when the lights go out, but this time I couldn't escape the feeling that this was real. Something really was watching me.

But I didn't film myself. I didn't blog. I even avoided talking about it in my private writings, because facing what I thought it was would mean two things. One, that I was seriously considering that I was being followed by him, and that was a road that I didn't want to go down. Two, he might up the ante. All the people before me, they took videos, they blogged, they did whatever, and look where they ended up. I figured I might apply a reverse "Clap Your Hands if You Believe"--if I just acted like nothing was out of the ordinary, like I wasn't afraid or didn't know he was there, then he would go away.

But I was afraid. Oh man, was I afraid.

Then, around solstice and Christmas...the feeling stopped. It wasn't just that I was on break and had moved away from my usual setting--the feeling was still there before, but in more of a "he's going to find you" sense then a "he's standing behind you" kind of way. But after the 21st, and especially around the 25th, I felt like he really was gone. That I was free. That there was nothing there and that I could live my life.

But the feeling started again on the 30th. And this time I'm really, really scared.

I know I'm breaking my own rule by blogging like this, but I have to. If I don't tell someone what's going on, then I'll go insane with or without his help. This blog is going to be a weekly log of what's happening to me, just so that someone, anyone, knows, and maybe can help me. I really hope one of you guys can help me.

I just realized that I never really introduced myself. My name is Alora. I would be your average girl if not for the fact that I'm an extreme nictophobe. For those of you who don't know, there's fear of the dark, and then there's me. I've had panic attacks, chronic nightmares, the whole nine yards. I still sleep with the lights on, and I'm not talking a wimpy nightlight. That don't cut it. We're talking desk lamp, with all the shades drawn so I don't have to see the darkness outside. We're talking having all the lights on in whatever space I happen to be in, especially during the fall and the winter. Summer is my favorite time of year, just because of the excess amounts of light. In fact, sometimes I think about moving to Alaska or something during the summer, during that stretch of time when the sun is out 24/7. I wish it was like that everywhere. I guess you could say my fear makes me prime bait for him, but I try not to think about it. That's basically my way of dealing. It's sort of stupid, but it helps.

Also, for those of you wondering what the heck "The Scarecrow Experiment" means, well, it's really just a stupid title I made up on the fly, but does have a back story. I have this habit of singing to myself when I'm scared to try and get my mind off of...whatever it is that happens to be freaking me out at the time. For some reason, towards the end of November, every time I got the feeling I was being followed by him, this same song would pop into my head:



I don't know if I just listened to this album too many times around the time the stalking got worse, or if my mind subconsciously linked by situation to the lyrics, but yeah. Scarecrow Exeperiment. Not S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W, because that would be blatant ripping-off, and I'm too lazy to type that every time anyway.

Anyway, I'm going to try and get some sleep. Here's hoping I don't loose my mind.

~Alora

2 comments:

  1. If you do lose your mind, there's people here for you.

    -C.A.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, C.A. It means a lot. :)

    ReplyDelete